Just a few months before my March 2011 wedding, I lost my job. It was the first time I had ever lost a job on terms other than my own (a more eloquent way of saying I got fired). In the months after my wedding, I struggled to find work, made timid (and if I'm being honest, halfhearted) steps toward being my own boss, and even contemplated changing professions. I was doing the kind of floundering that might have been more appropriate five years ago. As I look back on that time, I'm embarrassed. I'm sad that my first few months of marriage are tainted with the memories of my self-doubt and melancholy. But what really bothers me is that I didn't have the guts to own up to my mistakes and my struggles, and that I worried so much about what everyone would think if I admitted any of this. I did what I am good at. I avoided. I didn't tell anyone I was struggling except my husband, and even with him, I never shared the full depth of my mental inertia. I didn't post any vaguely sad status updates on Facebook. I never let on that my life was anything but glorious (though on many occasions it was). And I completely avoided my blog.
Even as things began to improve, which thankfully happened sooner rather than later, I failed to return to my blog. It felt disingenuous. Granted, the internet hardly needs another confessional blog written by an over-sharing 30-something; and even my most insightful moments are hardly earth-shattering. But I had started my blog with a promise to myself that I'd be honest in what I would write and share. This blog was supposed to be a way for me to not only express my thoughts and feelings, but to document exciting and special occasions in my life. Having broken my promise, I figured I'd just forget about blogging and no one would be the wiser. On the (extremely, extremely) rare occasion anyone asked about my blog, I just said I had been too busy to write anything.
But then something extraordinary happened. I became a mother. On July 12, 2013, I gave birth to a healthy, beautiful baby boy. Since he was born four months ago, my life has changed in ways great and small. I've rejoiced in his achievements. I've gazed in awesome wonder at his handsome little face. I've watched with pride as he has reached milestones. I've cried tears of happiness, frustration, and exhaustion. I've stayed up all night on Google trying to figure out the most fool proof swaddle technique. And I've relished those quiet moments that make motherhood worthwhile. I've sat down to write a dozen times or so, trying to capture all of the wondrous changes in my life and my roller coaster of emotions, but just never did.
For a little while, I figured I could just start a new blog. After all, this blog only has a handful of entries from the few months that I blogged. But then I read them. The old blog posts. They weren't half bad, and I didn't want to pretend like they didn't exist. Much like reading through an old diary, those old posts remind me of how much life can change in just a couple of years. My second to last post was about my fears that my friends were out-pacing me on the road to adulthood. I simply do not feel that way anymore. Another of my posts was written about my new husband, and all of the reasons I found him to be completely awesome. Luckily, I not only continue to think he's awesome, I've got a million new reasons to think so. I know it's a little silly, but my blog, what little of it I had created, was mine and I liked it and wanted to resurrect it.
So I'm back at it. Back to writing, sharing, and maybe a little over-sharing, too. Yeah its kind of narcissistic, but show me a blog that isn't. I hope I can be more honest, and in doing so, I hope I can keep that promise I made to myself two years ago.
But then something extraordinary happened. I became a mother. On July 12, 2013, I gave birth to a healthy, beautiful baby boy. Since he was born four months ago, my life has changed in ways great and small. I've rejoiced in his achievements. I've gazed in awesome wonder at his handsome little face. I've watched with pride as he has reached milestones. I've cried tears of happiness, frustration, and exhaustion. I've stayed up all night on Google trying to figure out the most fool proof swaddle technique. And I've relished those quiet moments that make motherhood worthwhile. I've sat down to write a dozen times or so, trying to capture all of the wondrous changes in my life and my roller coaster of emotions, but just never did.
For a little while, I figured I could just start a new blog. After all, this blog only has a handful of entries from the few months that I blogged. But then I read them. The old blog posts. They weren't half bad, and I didn't want to pretend like they didn't exist. Much like reading through an old diary, those old posts remind me of how much life can change in just a couple of years. My second to last post was about my fears that my friends were out-pacing me on the road to adulthood. I simply do not feel that way anymore. Another of my posts was written about my new husband, and all of the reasons I found him to be completely awesome. Luckily, I not only continue to think he's awesome, I've got a million new reasons to think so. I know it's a little silly, but my blog, what little of it I had created, was mine and I liked it and wanted to resurrect it.
So I'm back at it. Back to writing, sharing, and maybe a little over-sharing, too. Yeah its kind of narcissistic, but show me a blog that isn't. I hope I can be more honest, and in doing so, I hope I can keep that promise I made to myself two years ago.
