Lost in Translation

When my husband and I were first dating, we were different people. We were high on endorphins and lust, and reveling in the awesomeness of our new relationship. If you need proof that I was not myself, here’s a little tidbit for you: I helped make the bed. Every day. For months. Even more proof: my then boyfriend was a romantic fool: cards to say “I love you”, flowers to say “You’re beautiful”, and the most loving, lingering goodbye kisses every day. Fast forward two and a half years, and while the love is still there, I could really care less about whether the bed goes unmade for a few days or the dishes wait until morning, and I’m pretty sure the last card my husband got me was on our wedding day.

Now that we have become husband and wife (and for a little while before the big day), we have begun shedding our hormone-fueled identities and becoming our true selves. To be honest, my truest self can be a bit of a lazy housekeeper.  This flaw in my makeup (yes, it runs that deep) doesn’t just annoy my husband, it drives him up the wall. And you know what? When the passionate morning kisses became pecks and quick hugs instead, I began to fear that maybe my happily ever after was in jeopardy. How could we be arguing over such petty things as unmade beds and kisses? We still loved one another so much.

The funny thing about love is that for all of us, it means something individual. And with such varying definitions of what love means and the innumerable ways to show love, there are bound to be a few glitches in communication. Today, I want to share something that completely changed the way my husband and I show our love and appreciation to each other. Don’t laugh…it is a book! The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman has given me a completely new understanding of love, and the way I will think about love, for the rest of my life.

I cannot even fathom how many books and articles are devoted to the topic of love. I would venture to say that many of them aren’t worth the paper they are printed on.  This book isn’t perfect, either. Many of the anecdotal stories seem a bit dated, and honestly, if my spouse were putting me through some of the awful things mentioned in the book, I’m not sure I would have stuck around long enough to find out what the heck a love language is. But, the premise is simple and rings true. We all show love in a way that is unique to us, and we feel love when it is reciprocated in a similar way. Knowing and understanding your own primary love language, as well as that of your spouse, makes it possible for you to both give and receive love in a way that is meaningful and appreciated.

Briefly, the five primary languages described in the book are (1) Words of Affirmation, (2) Quality Time, (3) Receiving Gifts, (4) Acts of Service, and (5) Physical Touch. While we may all speak a few secondary language, more likely than not, one of these languages fit you better than the others. It’s the way you show love and the way you want it returned. After taking a short quiz (and honestly, the names pretty much say it all), I realized that my husband is an Acts of Service kind of guy, and I vacillate between Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch.

Just knowing your partner’s language isn’t enough. You both have to be willing to try speaking the other’s language in a sincere way. More importantly, you have to acknowledge that even though the gestures your partner may be making do not speak to you on the level a gesture more closely resembling your own language might, it is still an act of love.

When I went out of town for a weekend, I came home to a spotless house, new furniture in my office, and my husband wore a grin as wide as a Cheshire cat’s. No, it wasn’t “romantic”, but it came from his heart and I felt loved. The other day, I organized the closet so neatly you would have thought the job had been done by a professional. My husband was so appreciative that I didn’t have to pester him about those brisk pecks anymore, because they were replaced with the kisses that had knocked me off my feet two years ago. By going out of our way to speak a different language, we had created the desire to do the same in one another.

I could never explain this as well as Dr. Chapman does in his book. And if you don’t have the time or inclination to go out and pick up the book, you can visit his website and get more information on the 5 Love Languages. I truly believe that my understanding of my husband has increased tenfold. I want to show him love in a way he’ll hear, feel, and enjoy. Thankfully and wonderfully, he makes the same effort for me. My love tank is full.